Standing now, looking at Alicia as she lay silent, my mind wandered back to things she had said and all that led up to this day. It was not long ago when my parents had came into my room to explain to me that Alicia had cancer and would be going for chemo treatments.
I think it took about three or four days for the reality of them saying the doctors did not give much hope for her surviving. I remember trying to find a place in the house that afternoon it hit, where no one would hear me crying. All kinds of emotions seemed to bounce around inside of me. Anger at someone; anybody; but who? Why? How could this happen to her? Six years old and dying of cancer.
I guess I finally decided that I would be strong and give her strength. I think we struggled with her pain more than she did. She even made jokes about how she would keep the scarf companies in business for awhile.
It was always puzzling when we tried to talk about her pain; or, mother would ask, what seemed like every time she made a funny noise; ”does it hurt .” She would smile and say, “ Jesus feels good.” Even at night in the room we shared when she was restless; no matter what I said her reply was; “ Jesus feels good.”
The doctors had shared with us the kind of pain she would be going through, but; she never complained. How are you today got a smile and a Jesus feels good.
And now standing here with all my pain and hurt, it felt as if someone put their arms around me, placed their hands upon my heart, and whispered softly, “she’s fine.” Where did this peace come from? For the first time I knew what she meant when she said, “ Jesus feels good.”
